Amalgamated North Pole Industries. L.L.C.
100 Candy Cane lane
North Pole, Arctic Circle
10001

To Whom it May Concern,

The management of A.N.P.I. would like to take this opportunity to offer a public statement regarding the recent alleged incidents in Florida involving two of our employees. Let me assure the citizens of this community that the elves in question have been reprimanded and placed on administrative leave pending resolution of all legal matters.

Three days ago, a pair of elven sled mechanics had been hitting the eggnog a little too heavy at the company Christmas party (celebrated daily). They thought it would be fun to flight test the recent upgrades made to “Big Red #1” by taking a quick jaunt down to Key West for a quick margarita and “other entertainment.” Within 45 minutes, these two little cretins managed to ring up $1374.62 of “miscellaneous” charges on the A.N.P.I. Amex Gold card account and were seen leaving with “Mia” and “Britney” two employees of South-coast Gentleman’s Club. After 15 minutes buzzing rooftops around South Florida, they decided to land at the end of a long driveway in a secluded neighborhood so that they could relieve themselves behind the hedges. After finishing their business they began the ritual of hanging candy canes on the surrounding tree branches (sick elf humor) when suddenly they heard a series of loud bangs accompanied by screams of terror from their two companions.

As they watched the two ladies running through the gate, heels in hand, they noticed a large brass plate over the mailbox engraved with the name “ T. Woods”. Upon returning to the sleigh, they found Mrs. Woods, 3 iron in hand, frantically bashing the vehicle while cursing unintelligibly something to the effect of “no fishnet stockings this Christmas”. After a 48 hour jail stint and 800 bucks worth of vehicle impound fees, the two employees were freed on a $5000 dollar bond. Although most of the serious charges have since been dropped, the damage that was inflicted upon the sleigh was significant enough to render it inoperable.

Therefore, I must regretfully inform you all that Christmas is hereby canceled.

Sincerely,

S. Clause.