When Carmen posted the stunning and unbelievable lyrics from Rolling Stone’s “Brown Sugar” it revealed a shocking tale of slave rape. Carmen asked us if we knew of any other popular music that hummed of racism. I got right to it and began my hunt. Surely and sadly there would be many songs that may have hidden or open bigotry in it’s lyrics. I found a few, then I expanded my search to rap genre.

Rap I knew, had some artists coldly boasting of cop killing and gun worship, but I was not prepared for the ugly and hateful lyrics that cut brutally through my heart.

“Cracker in my way; slitting, slit his throat; watch his body shake; watch his body shake”

“Kill the white people; we gonna make them hurt…”

Am I hated? Irrationally I began going to places I had never gone before: Should I be cautious? Should I keep a safe distance? Perhaps we live in a different world today and no real progress has been made after all. I posted my find on Carmen’s Rolling Stone post; I wanted to share my pain. In my comments I began a debate that quickly eroded into panicked fear. Completely unaware that my behavior was out of character, Carmen said she was “gobsmacked” by my comments. Finally, I blinked.

It was time to pull back and log off. The newness of fear, anger and confusion stayed close by all that day. Later that night my husband noticed that I was low-keyed and preoccupied during our drive to a dinner party. He had no idea that I my soul had just been punctured and that my social views were crumbling, and fast. What was happening to me? I was so angry and so frightened. I wish I had never laid my eyes on those words.

“. . . so we need your participation in the Caucasian assassination; time is wasting. . . . so who is in association with the nigger retaliation; it needs your total cooperation. . . . a confrontation will be fought by the younger generation; because we got determination; all we need is organization”

I was learning fast that racism was an equal opportunity hater. Whites can and are hated by some, and perhaps by many. The blue eyed devil. I have blue eyes and I am hated.

“Devils fear this brand new shit. . . . I bleed them next time I see them. . . . I pray on these devils.”

I was now asking myself why I was bothering with All About Race? Racism is alive and breeding like raging wildfire – it can never be put out. I was embarrassed that I actually believed racism was on its way out in 2009, that in the age of Obama race relations were so much better now, blooming with a hope of change. How profoundly wrong I was.

Later in the evening when dinner was finished, our hosts refilled our wine glasses and as guests began discussions of current events and politics, I sat quietly in the backdrop of their exchange, instead opting for the calming and distressing sounds of jazz. But I was not prepared for the music to speak to me and send a private message to understand…

“Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze; strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees..Pastoral scene of the gallant south; The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth…”

“Then the sudden smell of burning flesh; Here is a fruit for the crows to pluck…”

It was right then that I understood the ugliness of my fear, anger and confusion, fully aware that I had just tasted my first sip of racism. It’s hard, cold-handed wallop left its mark on me. It was a fast and incredible lesson for me; I got a quick sampling of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of hatred. Coming full circle in my lesson I now understand the depth of pain and fear felt by those who suffer by the cruel hands of racism. I also understand how it can transform its victims into angry disheartened souls. In a blink of an eye, it nearly changed me too. But if we stay angry, racism wins.

I realize that for every person who is victimized, we as a society are responsible to right the wrong. I will not give up on my belief that today, 2009, we have come so far. We must keep moving forward, together.

Aldous Huxley once said, “It’s a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one’s life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than “try to be a little kinder.” Can Blacks and Whites be ‘genuinely’ kinder to each other? I don’t know. It seems to me that both Blacks and Whites keep getting crushed by that demon of pain, anger, blame and argument. Is there anyone who is skillful enough, patient enough, and courageous enough to get past it? I’ve watched people start out friendly and supportive, but in the end get angry and leave because of that demon. We need a change of heart and a change of perception before we can genuinely accept and respect each other. IMO, even the LEAST prejudiced Black and White person will have a distorted view of each other.

After centuries, Blacks and Whites still haven’t learned how to talk and LISTEN to each other. Is it any surprise that we run into trouble? We’d rather criticize, blame, argue and discount another’s opinion than to actually LISTEN and honor each other. To truly listen, is to be open to each other without a firewall of defenses, presuppositions and arguments. IMO, most Americans, particularly Blacks and Whites, don’t know how to listen and quite frankly, aren’t ready to be that vulnerable. It’s too scary. AG Holder is right; we ARE a nation of cowards. Even when we make the effort to talk, MOST Americans, whether they are Black or White, lack the emotional maturity to talk to one another appropriately without having a vitriolic meltdown. Talking and LISTENING to each other about race, is not easy….It is very difficult. But just because it is difficult does not mean that it shouldn’t be done. Otherwise, racism continues to threaten to destroy us.

This blog-All About Race- has offered a rich tapestry of human experiences, opinions, discussions, and dialogues about race, prejudice, and racism. I am very grateful for it because this site has led me to look deeply into the nature and character of MY own heart. The posters on this blog have helped me to look at MY own hidden prejudices, resentments, and flawed thinking…not YOURS, but MINE. At times, it has been disappointing and painful to admit that my ego is not an infallible judge on racial prejudice; nor is it the ‘expert’ beyond reproach about the rights and wrongs of the entire black and white race. I don’t know why I keep getting suckered in by the ego on generalized matters that are better left to a much higher power. After 60+ years, I should know better by now. Yet, I keep falling for the same old useless thinking on racial matters that produce the same old results, which is the direct opposite of what I want. I can only conclude that I must be ‘racially retarded’. However, it’s good to see that I have plenty of company. If you need specifics take a look at some of the comments on this blog, esp. the thread called Black and White Voices.

It is clear to me that Blacks and Whites, as well as other races, NEED each other. But we keep saying mean and hurtful things to each other. We even try to tell each other how we “should” think and act. We even complain and whine about honoring each other’s existence! We try to minimize our history and race as if we live in a ‘colorblind’ society where racism never existed. That might be a good theory, if you are White. But it doesn’t work so well if you are Black.

Blacks and Whites who judge and insult each other like an unmerciful prosecutor, end up destroying their own goodness and causing pain in their own heart. We need to do more work—in our hearts. Ultimately, that’s where the real work needs to be done–“trying to be a little kinder to each other”.

Today we kick off an experiment that I am very excited about! I know that those of you who comment on this site are the reason a sense of community exists here. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don’t. We don’t have to agree. But those of you who are sincerely trying to listen and to move through pain, anger and fear to a clearer place, inspire me to keep working internally for greater clarity and understanding in my own journey.

So on Saturday’s I will provide a place for YOU, the community of All About Race, to present a guest post. The ground rules are pretty simple, you must have participated at least FOUR times in comment threads. You must have read at least 6 substantive posts throughout the blog. (There are more than 550 now, so you have plenty of options.)

Your post must talk about YOUR journey. Commenter Corner is not a place for blaming or pointing out the “deficiencies” of others. It is a place for YOU to share observations about your-own-journey toward reaching racial understanding. It doesn’t have to be hopeful, although I hope it is, but it has to be honest about what YOU are grappling with, in YOUR heart, when it comes to reaching greater racial understanding.

Once you submit a post to me via email, we may work on it together a little so that you have a post that says exactly what you want it to while keeping with the intention of Commenter Corner.

Sound like a plan? I look forward to hearing from YOU.

carmen@allaboutrace(dot)com